Weekend Winddown

Dear Ananya,

I recently started dating a girl I work with. We spent a lot of time together just talking when things were slow at the coffee shop. She seemed like a sweet innocent girl. We went on quite a few dates, dinner, movie, the usual stuff. I thought things were going well and I wanted to take the next step. I didn’t want to rush into sex until I felt this could be more than a casual relationship. I’m not very experienced and to me sex equals a deeper commitment. She was very affectionate but hadn’t pushed the sex issue so I figured we were on the same page. When things got hot and heavy the other night she suddenly stopped and said we needed to talk. She told me she got herpes a couple years ago. I was pretty shocked. I didn’t know what to say. I know I hurt her feelings when I backed off and was kind of cool to her. I guess I sort of thought herpes only happened to people who had a lot of sex partners. After doing some research I found out that isn’t true. I do care for her, but getting a disease like this really scares me. Is there any way we can guarantee that I don’t get it? How can I undo the hurt I caused her by not being more understanding?

Signed,

Suddenly Scared of Commitment

Dear Suddenly Scared,

Congratulations on taking the first step in doing your homework and finding out more about genital herpes. The more you know the easier it will be to discuss this openly with your friend. Kudos to her for courage, honesty and not putting you at risk without your knowledge.

Because about 1 in 4 women already have the virus and many experts say up to 90% of the people who are infected don’t know it, there is no guarantee you will never get herpes unless you avoid all sexual contact. Considering your feelings toward sex and commitment you could choose to wait a bit longer until you know how this relationship will work out. If you do decide to pursue the sexual aspect of this or any relationship there are precautions you can take to minimize your risk. There are medications your friend can take to reduce the frequency and severity of the outbreaks. Barrier methods of contraception such as condoms, both the male and female type, help prevent the virus from being transmitted.

As to how you can undo any hurt you have caused that is a question you must ask your friend. Let her know you are trying to learn all you can about genital herpes and talk honestly with her about how to go forward from here.

Best Wishes,

Ananya

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